Pale Ales and Pale Asses
By Ian Guevara
The other side of the Smokies. The Tennessee side. Almost like another world. It feels almost foreign.
This is also the last couple of days of my beer journey. Still camping, still drinking, and still in the great outdoors. Life really can't get much better than this.
Chuck and his son Bryce have joined me on this last leg of the journey. Chuck is more familiar with this side of the Smokies. Much like the east side is my happy place, this is his.
We set up camp at Elkmont Campground, only a 15 minute drive through green canopies and thick mountain haze from Gatlinburg, Tennessee. It’s a campground surrounded by scenic trails, a cold creek, and a long abandoned resort town that was once the summer home for dozens of city dwellers seeking the simpler life of the outdoors.
Like most national park campgrounds, Elkmont is packed to the brim with campers from all across the country. And, like most national park campgrounds, Elkmont does not possess any showers on its properties, just an ice-cold stream and a few frequently used restrooms.
I’ve gone days without a shower, I know the routine. I’ve spent a week backpacking in mountains where I’ve gone smell-blind to my own aroma. It’s the nature of backpacking that one gets stinky, the price one pays for the thrill of backpacking, camping, and seeing breathtaking sights.
I have biodegradable face wipes that serve as a “dry shower”, a way to strip the body oils and allow myself a better sleep at night. But it’s been unusually hot this summer and even though I feel infinitely better after a wipe down, the midnight sweats just lead to an uncomfortable slumber.
After a couple of days of hiking the trails around the campground, slugging down craft brews, and eating three straight dinners of hot dogs and chili, we are ready to visit Gatlinburg and the two breweries residing in the tourist hamlet.
But I was quite smelly and needed a shower.
There are no showers in Elkmont, so what am I to do?
“Just bath in the creek, man,” Chuck suggested.
“I cant do that here, there are children.” I quickly responded.
“There’s a nice swimming hole down the road, just do it there,” Chuck answered.
So we drove about a mile down the road where a bend reveals a man-made staggered wall made of concrete. At the bottom is a beautiful little deep swimming hole, created by thousands of years of erosion at the bend.
Crawling down the concrete steps, I looked up over my shoulder to the road. Bryce’s car was out of site as was the road. Or so I thought.
I disrobed down to my birthday suit, grabbed my biodegradable camp soap, and dove into the ice-cold creek. It was invigorating. The shock of diving into that cold water literally shot all of the cold water out of my lungs, but swimming around quickly warmed me up.
Then I hear the faint humming of a car engine and the sound of tires hugging the pavement of a mountain road curve. A car zips down the other end of the bend in the road, clearly in my sight. Thankfully I’m fully submerged, but I don't feel like causing a commotion over my inflated dad-bod.
With haste I wash my hair, rinse off, and swim back to the concrete wall.
I should be out of sight here, I miscalculated with great error.
As I climbed the first step out of the water, I hear the tell tale sign of a car approaching again. Before I can slip on my underwear, a white National Park Service SUV rounds the bend, catching a full view of my bare ass.
“Well, shit,” I say aloud.
I quickly get my underwear and shorts on and climb the concrete steps where I find a park ranger laughing with Chuck and Bryce.
The park ranger pulled up his car to me with his window down while I loaded the back of Bryce’s car with my dirty clothes and toiletries.
“I tell ya,” he began with a chuckle, “At first I thought there was an albino bear crawling the wall, then I realized it was the palest bare ass I’ve ever seen!”
“Sorry, I just desperately needed a bath before heading into town,” I sheepishly responded.
“Oh don't worry about it. But seriously… get that rump tanned or at least paninted,” he responds, flaming my very being.
After a brief car ride through to the Sugarlands ranger station, we entered the tourist hamlet of Gatlinburg, TN. We parked the car in a pay lot provided by a clunky gas station and proceeded to walk the streets of America’s most prodigious tourist trap.
In a rustic looking wooden building, Smokey Mountain Brewery rests right off of the Smokey Mountain Parkway where the smell of commerce and BBQ is as thick in the air as the fog that gives the Smokies its namesake. As soon as we stepped into the brewery our faculties were overwhelmed by the smell of delicious pizza… three days of hotdogs and chili sent me into an aroma nirvana.
The brewery is a restaurant style sit down venue where the first floor serves strictly as a place to sit down and guzzle beer and consume pizza and the second floor is where the bar and and where the magic happens… beer magic that is.
I’m not going to lie, the setup of the brewery immediately reminded me of the previous brewery we visited, the one that resembles an Applebees in the mountains. However, as soon as we sat down we were welcomed and given beer menus. Great service and a smile is always a plus in my book.
Opened in 1996, Smokey Mountain Brewery is the oldest brewery in Eastern Tennessee. It’s a very popular place, packed at noon, but it wasn't always this way. Apparently when the brewery opened, people weren't too keen on craft beers, demanding Coors and Buds without a look at the carefully crafted brews. But as soon as visitors tasted the brews, they began to flock to them.
Smokey Mountain Brewery offers nine beers, all delicious looking, and better yet, they have flights! The beer list appeared on a laminated sheet with the beer names listed along with brief descriptions for the novice and veteran beer drinker alike.
My first flight consisted of “Appalachian Pale Ale”, “SMB Helles”, “Peach Cream”, and “Mountain Light”. Appalachian Pale Ale is an American Pale Ale displaying a canary color and an enticing hoppy smell. It’s light and crispy, starting with a muted citrus flavor and ends with a punchy bitterness. SMB Helles is a Munich Light Lager showing a bumblebee color, supreme clarity, and neutral smell. Very crispy and bready to start with a great final balance.
Peach Cream is a Cream Ale showcasing a lemon color and a creamy and sweet scent. It's light and crispy starting with a creamy sweetness and ending peachy and tasty. Mountain Light is an American Light Lager parading a yellow color with great clarity and the smell of bud lite. It's light and crispy, this is an outside football watching beer, knocking back one after the other and cheering for the home team.
Stepping out for a quick dart break, I walked over the garage housing the fermenting vats and reflected upon the process. The science, the art, the passion, and the love. All in one place. All to create happiness for people.
I want to be a part of this. Not just a customer, not just a patron, but a creator and server. This is my goal.
My second flight flowed with “Cherokee Red Ale”, “SMB IPA”, “Black Bear Ale”, “Dark Ale”, and “Brewmaster Special”. Cherokee Red Ale is an Irish Style Amber Ale revealing a lovely tiger color and a slight malty and sweet smell. It’s sweet and malty to start with a slight fruity finish. “SMB IPA” is an IPA intimating a butterscotch color with a piney and floral fragrance. Its honey malt is forward and the hoppiness hits last and steady.
Black Bear Ale is an English Style Brown Ale exhibiting a deep amber color and a sweet malt musk. It’s airy and light to start with a deep malt sweetness that follows. Dark Ale is a Porter unveiling a tawny color with a sweet and spicy aroma. It’s ight for a porter, starts malty and ends with a sweet chocolaty pop. The Brewmaster Special is a Stout presenting a deep brunette color, almost opaque, with a smoky fragrance. It’s sweet to start with a very smoky finish, almost like the maly was smoked before being put in the vat.
Opened daily 11am to midnight, Smokey Mountain Brewery offers a wonderful little respite from the burgeoning approach of chain restaurants that has flooded Gatlinburg. A bastion of local food and beverages, Smokey Mountain Brewery offers trivia nights, karaoke nights, and plenty of TVs to sit back, drink a beer, and enjoy watching your hometeam.
Cut through that BBQ and commerce and enjoy the mountain brews.
